


Along the Way

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU season 9, Castiel Remembers Daphne, Ezekiel Was Actually Ezekiel, Ezekiel is One of the Good Ones, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:10:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6360814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam learns the truth behind Cas's departure from the bunker and all the missing time.  Instead of sticking around to fight, he steals a car and drives off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Not Here to Fight

**Author's Note:**

> I won't blame you if you turn around and slam the door  
> I understand if you don't want to hear me again  
> I'm not here to fight, I came to you tonight  
> To say I'm sorry and to try to make it right  
> \- Gary Allan

Sam’s eyes opened to the rustling of wings. Normally, that meant Castiel; even though Castiel was human now, Sam still associated the sound of wings with him. But this time, it wasn’t Cas. Sam grabbed the Kurdish knife from under his pillow, a habit he hadn’t managed to shake despite sleeping in quite possibly the safest place on Earth.

“Sam Winchester.” The voice was unfamiliar, but it had the ring of grace in it that Sam was all too familiar with. “I will not hurt you. My name is Ezekiel. We need to talk.” He slid his angel blade into his hand, laying it on the bed near Sam. “After this talk, you may want to use it,” he explained apologetically.

“Uh, no…” Sam said, putting his own knife back and sitting against the headboard. “I generally don’t try to kill people who aren’t hurting me.”

“But I have hurt you,” Ezekiel said. “What do you remember, after you discontinued the third Trial?”

Well, that was weird. Sam thought back, not entirely sure what he was being asked for, but he figured he may as well try to answer. “I remember… we were in a church… Dean got me out of there. I was so weak, he had to hold me up even sitting against the Impala. I don’t even remember what we’d said to each other in the church, I just remember knowing that I had to choose between Dean and the Trials, and I chose Dean. But it went wrong somehow, choosing Dean meant I was supposed to live, but I was dying anyway. And then there was a giant meteor storm, angels falling all around. After that… I remember talking with Death, and being ready to go with him until Dean said he had another way, something that could heal me. And I guess it worked, because I’m pretty much good now.”

Ezekiel nodded. “I can’t tell you about the church, I was busy Falling. Afterwards, though, your brother was desperate. Castiel’s Fall was different from the rest of ours, he couldn’t help, so Dean threw out a general prayer. I was among those who responded, and the only responder who wasn’t there to kill him for being a Winchester.” Sam laughed softly at that. “I tried to heal you, but the damage was too great. However, it occurred to me that there was a chance – a desperate one, but a chance nonetheless – that I could do it.”

Sam nodded. “Well, whatever you did, it worked. So, thank…”

“Don’t thank me yet,” Ezekiel said, throwing up a hand to cut Sam off. “I told Dean that there was a chance I could save you… from the inside. Dean was extremely skeptical, for reasons I understand better now. However, he agreed to allow me to try.”

“He what?” Sam was pissed, and confused. “You had to get my consent… how did that work? I was as good as dead, until Dean was… Dean tricked me. Dean let you in.”

Ezekiel shook his head. “No. Dean could not consent for you. I told Dean that I would enter your dream, explain my plan, and allow you to choose. He didn’t think there was, as he put it, a snowball’s chance, but agreed that a snowball’s chance was better than no chance. Once in, though, I took Dean’s form. Though his love for you was real, the words were mine, and when you said yes…”

“That was good enough for consent,” Sam said, feeling sickened. “And you possessed me. All that missing time… that was you taking over. Doing...”

“I am sorry, Sam,” Ezekiel said. “I didn’t know then what possession meant to you, how many times you had been taken over by someone who used you to do evil. By the time I knew, it was too late, so I decided to at least do the job I had violated you to do before I left. It's done. You're well enough that you can recover the rest of the way on your own. If you would like, I can give you the memories of what I used you to do. I… would like to think that you would approve of my actions, with the exception of the deceit against you, but I think for you it would be better to know either way. Will you allow me?”

Sam shook his head, but he said, “I’d rather know. Please, Ezekiel, I need to know.”

Pressing two fingers to Sam’s forehead, Ezekiel found the memories he had erased from Sam’s mind and restored them. Smiting demons. Saving Charlie. Telling Dean it wasn’t time yet for him to go. Telling Dean that Castiel couldn’t stay at the bunker. Saving Cas’s life.

Sam reached for the angel blade, hand hovering over it as he struggled with himself. “I’m the reason Cas wouldn’t stay here? You’ve been in my head, Ezekiel, you have to know he belongs here more than I do!”

“No, Sam,” Ezekiel said. “You feel that way, but so many others do not. Your brother chose you, when I told him he had to choose. I feel quite certain that my brother will agree, and I have a plan to make it up to him. You are healed now, Sam, and I think it unlikely that we will see each other again. Forgive Dean for misplacing his trust in me. Tell him what I said as him, if you like. Ask him what happened in that church. I’ve been in your head, Sam; I know the feelings you have for him. His desperation to save you should tell you that you are not alone.” He paused. “As for Castiel… I wish you the best of luck, there. You deserve it.” He fluttered out, leaving Sam alone, confused, and angry. It took him less than ten minutes to come to a decision. He packed his duffle and laptop, left notes on his bedroom door for Dean, Cas, and Kevin, and headed for the garage. Dean had spent a lot of his free time restoring the 40s and 50s cars left from the old Men of Letters, and Sam took a ’57 Chevy and hit the road.

 

_Dean,_

_I’m furious right now. I can’t stay in the bunker. Don’t try to call me. I’m not hunting, I’m just driving, so don’t worry about me. And I’m coming back._

_You let an angel into my head. I was ready to die. I had accepted it, and Death was going to make sure I stayed that way this time. Then you came._

_Of course, it wasn’t you. I met Ezekiel last night and he told me everything. He gave me back the memories of the missing time. I knew there was something fishy about the way Cas left, but Dean… how could you?_

_“You” said a lot of things, but the one that stands out in my memory: “There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you.” Ezekiel said the words were his but the feelings were all yours. It’s not healthy, and it’s not okay, Dean. Not you loving me that much, but you need to have something to live for that isn’t me._

_I know you won’t pay any attention, but please, Dean, let me go. I should be back in a month. If it’s going to be longer than that, I’ll find a way to let you know I’m okay. I love you._

_Sammy_

_Castiel,_

_Hopefully, I’ll find you before this letter does, but if not, I am so sorry for what’s been done to you. Dean didn’t want you to go any more than I did, but he had a choice._

_I don’t know if you knew about Ezekiel or not. I think you must have, given that he brought you back after that reaper. Ezekiel gave him the choice: either you left the Bunker, or he did. And if he did, I might not have made it. You know that I’m the one thing Dean cares about more than you, and he refused to take that chance. I would have taken it gladly, if anyone had bothered to ask me._

_There’s so much I want to say to you, but I can’t seem to find the words to write it down. If you get this letter, it’ll be from Dean or Kevin. Don’t come looking for me, I’ll find my way back to them eventually._

_I miss you._

_Sam_

_Kevin,_

_Dean’s gonna be really pissed for the next month or so. I’m not coming back early and I’m not answering his phone calls for a reason. I’m too angry right now to explain fairly, so short version: Dean let an angel trick me into letting him possess me. Not sure how much you were in on it, but I’m choosing to believe that if you knew, it was only after the fact._

_I’m sorry you’re gonna have to deal with Dean for the next month, but I can’t. Not after what he did to me, not after what he did to Castiel because of me. I’m probably not going to answer your calls either, because you know as well as I do that Dean would steal your phone to call me. But you can leave messages and I’ll call back._

_Take care of yourself, and if you can do it, take care of Dean. Not gonna hold my breath, though._

_Sam_


	2. I'm Here for Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam pulls over to take a break from driving. Cas comes to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scarecrows and devils are the only thing out this way   
> What that says about me, it's probably true   
> I've been carrying all these words around   
> For too long and now it's time to lay them down   
> I'm here for forgiveness I need it from you   
> \- Gary Allan

As Sam expected, it was the morning after he left that his phone started ringing. He flicked through the missed call list every time he stopped, hoping for a number he’d committed to memory years ago, or an unfamiliar number. But it was always all Dean.

He drove aimlessly for days, mostly stopping for gas and coffee, until one night, he pulled off in a field in the middle of nowhere, Wyoming. He came to a stop beside a scarecrow, which made him think back to the Vanir he and Dean had fought in… Indiana? Iowa? Somewhere in farm country, anyway. “You know, scarecrows and demons are just about the only thing out this late,” he joked, poking the straw dummy. “What’s that say about me?”

“It says that if you leave a world to scarecrows and demons, it will need individuals willing to keep watch on the darkness and fight back.” Sam had missed the rustle of wings, but there was no mistaking that voice. He turned around and stared in shock – the entire time he’d known Castiel, he wore the same trench coat. Now he was wearing a similar one, but different enough to look wrong on him. “Hello, Sam.”

“Cas.” Sam closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around the angel. Castiel didn’t return the hug, but he responded enough for Sam to chuckle a little. “This is the part where you hug back,” he teased.

“Oh.” Castiel’s arms came up around him, and the two stood there holding each other for a long time.

Sam was the one to make the move to back off. “Cas, you know I’m thrilled to see you, but… how are you here? The only way you could have found me is if you got your grace back, if you’re an angel again.”

“I…” Castiel stared at the ground. “Ezekiel found me earlier tonight. I got sloppy with my warding. He told me that it was his fault that I was not permitted to remain at the Bunker. He told me that he had given you back the memories of what you had done under his possession. Sam, I told Dean that Ezekiel could be trusted. This is partly my fault, and I am sorry.”

“Well, neither of us would be standing here alive to be sorry for what we’ve done to each other if Dean hadn’t trusted Ezekiel, I’d have gone with Death and no one would have been there to bring you back after April. I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or not. The three of us, we’ve bounced between death and life so many times…”

“I didn’t want to come back after Lucifer killed me,” Castiel admitted. “I was gone. I was at peace. Oblivion isn’t so bad. And what I did with that chance at life… the only thing I don’t regret from those two years is bringing you back, and even then, I regret bringing you back wrong.”

“ _Did_ you do it on purpose?” Sam asked, more curious than accusing.

“No,” Castiel said. “But… when I told Dean I was uncertain about trying to restore your soul, that was because I knew that with your soul it would be that much harder to lie to you and you were more likely to work against me. What I said was true, it could have killed you or locked you in a permanent mental trauma that caused you to be comatose. But you weren’t Sam, at least not the Sam that Dean loved and I claimed to care about. Now, with all that horror behind us, I hate myself for that more than I ever hated you, even more than I hate myself for breaking your wall. Without your soul, you could have given Zachariah or Uriel a run for their money in the Biggest Dick Contest.”

Sam choked. “Cas, you might want to rephrase that. The Biggest Dick Contest is usually something else entirely.” Castiel looked blank, and Sam coughed awkwardly. “Comparing penis size. Some guys are irrationally hung up on it. Usually guys like Zachariah or Uriel.” Castiel’s eyes went wide and Sam scrambled for a change of subject. “Ezekiel said he had a plan to make things right with you. You don’t have to tell me if it’s private, but what did he do?”

“He gave me his grace,” Castiel said bluntly. “I tried to protest, or at least to split it between us, but he was insistent. I have to be careful; borrowed grace doesn’t work as well as an angel’s own grace. There’s a chance that if I overdo things, the grace would burn out and take me with it. Fortunately, I have recently experienced life as a human, and that time has given me new perspective. On more than just when to use angel powers, really. I have treated you horribly at times, and I have never properly appreciated how much your forgiveness truly meant.”

Sam couldn’t hide the embarrassment, so he didn’t try. “Cas, you’re family. I can’t ever stay mad at Dean, and I can’t ever stay mad at you. Besides, I’ve screwed up a lot myself. I’ve made so many wrong turns, done so many things I’m not proud of. I’ve gotten so far off the rails that I don’t even know where they are anymore.” He shook his head ruefully. “I was so sure when I was a teenager that I knew everything, that I knew who I was gonna be. I seem to have gotten lost along the way.”

“Most teenage prayers have that feel, and when they reach thirty, most of those teenagers have gotten lost,” Castiel said. “Admittedly, your wrong turns have been a bit more… consequential than not getting that athletic scholarship or accidentally becoming pregnant. There’s only one person I can think of who has screwed up more thoroughly and more consistently than you.” Sam felt a little hurt, until Castiel added, “Me.”

“Fair enough,” Sam had to admit. “Lucifer, Leviathans… I kind of want to see that cage match, Dick Roman v. Lucifer. So what’s going to happen to Ezekiel now?”

“I managed to find the one person aside from you or Dean that I could think of who has experience with angels who had to learn all the human things. He’s with Daphne.”

“Daphne?”

“Emmanuel’s wife,” Castiel explained.

“Emmanuel?”

That got a raised eyebrow from Castiel. “Daphne, I can understand Dean not telling you about. He didn’t tell you how he found me, without my memories but able to perform miraculous healing? He brought me to heal you, and in the process of getting to you through the demons, I recovered my memories. Before then, I was Emmanuel. I had no idea who Castiel was or what he had done.”

“What did you tell Daphne?”

“Nothing. After taking your memories of Hell into myself, I never thought of going to her, and then I was in Purgatory and then Naomi’s puppet.” Castiel shrugged. “She looked unsurprised to see me, asked me no questions about where I’d been, and agreed when I asked her to look after Ezekiel. Actually being Emmanuel is a bit fuzzy in my memory, but since we were married, I assume there was something more than what there was when I arrived with Ezekiel.”

“Still, it kinda seems like you should have said something… although I’ll admit I have no idea what.” Sam leaned back against the car. “You know, part of me feels guilty about the fact that you didn’t take him to us? About not being able to bring myself to want to help him? He wasn’t a bad guy, he didn’t understand why I would have run like hell from being possessed again, and sure, he tricked Dean and he tricked me. But what I can’t forgive him for is making Dean turn you out of the bunker when you needed us.”

“You will in time, I suspect. I managed. I considered going to Daphne myself, but by then, it had been so long that I was scared of my reception. As a human, most of my emotions were far more intense than I was used to dealing with, even after you and Dean started making me feel them.” He laughed at himself. “Wrath I got down quite well on my little power trip. Despair, during the Apocalypse. I’ve yet to forgive myself for being the one to get the ball rolling on your plan to jump into the Cage. It wasn’t for years that I understood why.”

“You gonna share with the class? Because, it may not have been perfect, but it did work. We saved the world.”

Cas didn’t answer right away, instead staring up at the sky. “There are billions of stars up there. Nearly all of them have planets, and many of those planets support life in some form or other. I’ve watched Apocalypses on more worlds than you can imagine. Each world has its own guardians, suited for the type of life that would evolve on it, but the same stories play out on each of them. The rebellious son, and the brother who loves him more than anything yet casts him into torment. Some worlds get to the Apocalypse sooner, some later. Usually Michael wins; sometimes Lucifer. But in all of those tellings, your Earth is the only one I’ve ever seen go off-script. It’s not the only one that’s had resistance movements, even resistance movements with a fallen angel. But it is the only one where the resistance succeeded.”

He turned back and focused his eyes on Sam again. “When you died the first time, at Cold Oak, your brother was devastated. You know that. Bobby tried to rouse him out of his grief. He said the world was burning, and Dean said to let it burn. We in Heaven were monitoring closely after Azazel’s games, to see if Dean would take the bait, set himself up to become our Righteous Man. I didn’t understand how Dean could put you ahead of the entire world, then. I think I do, now. If I had it to do now, I would tell you that while your plan might work, the cost is too high. Let the world burn if we can’t find another way; nothing is worth losing you.” 

“Cas, I had to jump. It was the only way. You know that, God loves his literary symmetry, I’m the idiot who let Lucifer out so I had to be the hero to put him back in.”

“I know. And yet, it wasn’t very long after that when I realized how wrong, how unfair, that was. And went… well, tried to go get you, anyway. I still didn’t truly understand, not until I was human, and even then it took some time to sort through all of the emotions that had been stirred up.”

“We should’ve been there to help you,” Sam said. “Ezekiel figured you’d agree with Dean that kicking you out to save me was the right choice, but I don’t.”

“You wouldn’t,” Castiel said. “If Dean had told me, I would have left on my own. He should have trusted me to do that. Instead, he made that choice for both of us. I understand your anger at him.”

“He meant well, and it worked out in the end, but… he doesn’t get it. Taking off, driving like this… I didn’t do it because I was mad. I did it because I don’t want to be pissed at him when I’m explaining to him why. I’d have said something stupid if I stayed, or he would have and I’d have overreacted.”

“I’m often amazed at how poorly the two of you communicate sometimes, considering how well you know each other,” Castiel said. “And yet, other times, you understand each other so perfectly without anything said at all.”

“What are you gonna do now? You’re still in danger, aren’t you?” Sam asked.

“I had thought about going to the bunker, seeing if Dean would let me stay now that I can help protect it instead of being a liability,” Cas said. “If the true problem was Ezekiel, there’s absolutely no reason I shouldn’t be allowed to stay. But if you’re out here, and not going back any time soon…”

“I’d planned to be gone a month, and it’s been two weeks,” Sam said. “But knowing that you’re all right, I might be able to go back early after all. If you want to go to the bunker, you should, I know Dean feels bad about everything. What did he say when you showed up?”

“I don’t know yet,” Cas said. “He doesn’t know. I’m going to go, but I wanted to find you first.”

That surprised Sam. He'd figured Dean would be the first person Cas would go to. But then, Dean was in the Bunker and had made Cas leave. “Oh. You should go let Dean know what’s happened to you, he’ll want to know. Maybe he’s stop calling ten times a day if he knows I’m all right, too.”

“I doubt it, not until you go back,” Cas said.

“Yeah, I know,” Sam said.

“I’ll go. Later. For one thing, I’m fairly certain he’s either drunk or asleep right now, possibly both. You should be asleep, too, this time of night.”

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, I know, I’ll be going to sleep in a little while. It’s not the Impala, but I’m used to sleeping in a car, and this one’s not bad.”

“Is it safe out here?”

Sam shrugged. “Should be. You know we’ve got protections set up on any car that’s capable of leaving the garage, just in case, and this stretch of road is generally deserted so there’s not gonna be much human threat. Of course, if you wanna stay to make sure I’m all right…”

Sam had been joking, but Castiel took him seriously. “I would. However, Dean has informed me often that watching someone sleep is creepy, and having been human I understand why now. I would like to stay, but if you would be uncomfortable, I’ll go.”

“Never really bothered me, the way it did Dean,” Sam said. “Knowing you’re there, I don’t mind at all, really.”

Sam opened the back door and sat on the bench, digging out the blanket. He was settling back as Cas got in the front when something occurred to him. “Hey, Cas? If you don’t mind me asking, what is it you figured out when you were sorting through your emotions?”

Cas looked back. “I had intended to tell you, but we got distracted. I endured a great deal of nonsense from my brothers and sisters because of my friendship with Dean. They accused me of falling for him in more than the obvious way. And while they had some good points, especially this last year, they were wrong. It’s not Dean I’ve fallen for.”

“Well, no, this time…” Then it dawned on Sam what Cas was saying. “Wait. Are you saying you love me?”

“Trying to, anyway,” Cas said. “I thought you should know. I don’t intend to push anything or make things awkward, but you’ve always been one to forgive everyone except yourself. You know what I thought of you when I was first assigned to your brother. I thought it only fair you know just how much that has changed, and that it’s because of the time I’ve spent with you.”

“Huh. You… that really does mean a lot, when you put it that way. I kinda find it hard to believe. But you… you wouldn’t lie, not about something like this. Wow.” Sam knew he was babbling, but he couldn’t help it. This was not how he’d expected his road trip to go. He’d hoped to find Cas, yes, but hadn’t really expected to. “And now that you’re an angel… it’s still there?”

“It was there before I was human, Sam, I just didn’t understand it then,” Cas said. “Things started to change when I found out the truth about your role in raising Lucifer. I don’t know that I can say when I actually fell, but I realized that something was fundamentally different about what I felt for you and what I felt for Dean when my memories were restored, when I saw you after your Hell memories had begun to consume you. I thought I knew then what it meant to be sorry. I didn’t, not until I was human… and I am sorry, Sam. For everything I’ve done to you.”

“I know. Or I wouldn’t trust you to guard me while I sleep.” Sam grinned, and Castiel responded with a tiny smile himself. “I should actually get to sleep, but in the morning, we need to talk.”

“If that is what you wish,” Cas said. “Sleep well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, lyrics sites all say "scarecrows and devils are the only thing out this way". But I swear I hear a t in there, and until I went looking for the lyrics I honestly thought it was "out this late". Which IMO makes more sense anyway.


	3. They Made Me Who I Am Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Sam talk on the way back to the Bunker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm only finding my way back from where I've been  
> Don't know where I've been...  
> \- Gary Allan

When Sam woke up the next morning, it took him a minute to register that he wasn’t in the Impala, that it wasn’t Dean in the front seat but Castiel. “Cas? Morning.”

“Good morning, Sam. Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah, better than I have since leaving the bunker,” Sam admitted. Wasn’t hard for him to guess why, either. “I’m planning on heading back, I think I’m calm enough to have it out with Dean without saying something completely stupid. Did being human change your perspective on cars, too?”

“Enough,” Castiel said. “It also changed my opinion of coffee, so when I noticed you starting to wake, I got you some.”

Sam took the coffee from Cas with a laugh. It was still warm, and exactly how Sam liked it. “Thanks, Cas. Now I won’t have to stop at the first town I see. You wanna ride with me?”

“I would.”

Sam got the car in gear and pointed towards home. There wasn’t much to see in Wyoming, but Cas seemed fascinated nonetheless. They drove in silence until Sam had to pull off for gas, but it was comfortable, the way silences with Dean rarely were.

After the short stop, though, Cas broke the silence. “You said we needed to talk this morning.”

“Yeah, I did,” Sam said. “But honestly, I’m still trying to figure out what to say. I don’t… this is not a conversation I’ve ever really had. Jess, we were young and we knew everything and we kinda skipped it. Amelia, we were both trying to avoid talking about things so hard that it never mattered that we didn’t have it.”

“Amelia? Jimmy’s wife?”

Sam looked over at Cas. “Dean never told you? When you were trapped in Purgatory, I was really lost. Kind of paralyzed. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything except drive, until I hit a dog. That led to me meeting Amelia, who kind of guilt tripped me into sticking around to take care of the dog I hit. Her husband had been killed in Iraq, and she couldn’t figure out how to move forward. I’d lost you and Dean, and I didn’t know how to move forward. So we kinda lived in stasis together. Then her husband showed up, he wasn’t dead after all, so I took off, and that’s when Dean found me.”

“Dean did mention something about you abandoning us for a girl, but nothing more specific,” Cas said. “I’m not sure…” Cas stopped, looking over to Sam. “What about Ruby?”

“What about her?” Sam asked, completely blank. Ruby had nothing to do with any of this.

“Jess and Amelia are two of the three relationships I’ve known you to have,” Cas said. “If there were any before Jess, I don’t know about them, but between the two there was Ruby.”

Sam scoffed. “Yeah, no. That was completely different. I loved Jess, and Amelia was a lifeline to hold me together when I needed one. Ruby was… that wasn’t about loving her, or needing her, or anything like that. That was about hating myself.”

“I see,” Castiel said.

“So, um, I guess you know what this is about, then,” Sam said.

“I think so. After what I told you last night, you’re thinking about the possibility of having that kind of relationship with me?”

“Yeah. Not sure if that’s even what you want, but I really think we should talk about it. It’s not really something I'd ever seriously considered, but as much as anything else, that’s because I would never have dreamed you’d want it.”

“I do want that, but if you don’t, I understand. You don’t owe me any explanations or reasons, and I certainly don’t want you to try to force things just to try to make me happy.”

“Good to know, but I actually do want to give it a shot,” Sam said. “I’m not… I don’t love you, not the way you love me, not yet. But like I said, as much as anything, that was because the idea was so… it just seemed so out of reach that it wasn’t worth going for. The pieces are all there, so I’m pretty sure that if I just give myself permission to fall, I will. If you want to wait, that’s fine. But I don’t.”

“What about Dean? Do you think he would accept this?”

Sam made a rude noise. Right now, he didn’t much care what Dean would accept. “After what he did to us, he doesn’t get a say in a choice we make for ourselves. He can get over it if he doesn’t like it.”

“I don’t want to come between you and your brother,” Cas said. “The two of you come first with each other, and that is as it should be.”

“Well, honestly, I don’t know how Dean will handle this. He might think this is the best idea ever, or he might throw a tantrum about how after you broke my wall you have no right to even think about asking me to trust myself to you like that, or anything in between. Only thing I can say for sure is that no matter what else happens he will tease me forever about getting involved with a guy. But I’m not willing to let him make that decision for me. It’s my heart, I get to decide who gets the chance to break it. He can think whatever he wants, as long as he doesn’t try to dictate my choice.”

“Sam…”

Sam wasn't like Dean. He hated taking his eyes off the road to look at the person he was holding a serious conversation with, because while Dean and his baby had some sort of symbiotic relationship that meant Dean had been in exactly one wreck in his entire life, Sam wasn't that confident and this wasn't the Impala. But this was important enough to risk it. “Cas, you’re not the one causing the problem if Dean can’t accept it. Dean is. And I don’t want to get in the way of your friendship with Dean. The two of you have a profound bond, and I don’t want to break that. I get where you’re coming from. I do. I just think it’s a little backwards.”

“It’s not the same. Dean is your brother.”

“Exactly. He’s my brother. I’m 30 years old, Cas, I wouldn’t let my mom or dad have any say in my boyfriends either. Unless Dean knows something about you that I don’t, that I really should know before considering a relationship with you, then I don’t care what he thinks.”

Cas didn’t answer, turning to stare out the window instead. Sam let him think if that’s what he needed to do. From what he was seeing out the window, it certainly wasn’t the spectacular views that were getting Castiel’s attention. The silence wasn’t quite as comfortable as the earlier one, but still, it was nice.

The next time Sam pulled over, Cas disappeared for a bit. He was back by the time Sam was done in the bathroom and buying another coffee for the road. “Hey! Where’d you go?”

“Lebanon. I didn’t let Dean or Kevin see me, but I found this,” Cas said, holding up the letter Sam had written. “Should I read it?”

Sam shrugged. It felt like forever since he’d written the letters. “If you want to. I think I’ve said everything I said in there except for having a lot to say to you that I couldn’t find the words for.”

Cas read the letter quickly before folding it up and tucking it into a pocket. “Nothing I didn’t already know,” he said. “Do you plan to go all the way back today, or will you be stopping somewhere?”

“Figure I might as well get back, we’re not that far out. Is there a reason I should stop?”

“Not that I know of. I was just wondering… you’re used to long car trips, but Dean does most of the driving. I wasn’t sure if you would want to deal with Dean after a long day of driving.”

“Oh, yeah, I think I’ll be okay as long as I don’t run into too bad traffic,” Sam said. “And… I’m kinda missing him, a lot. I want to get home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously. I am never going to forgive the Supernatural writers for naming the most annoying plot device character the same thing as Jimmy's wife. I *hated* the Amelia arc. Partly because of how it was told, partly because I was ALREADY sick of "we need to pit the Winchesters against each other for half a season" that they did again the next two seasons too. But mostly because it was just bad soap opera plot.


	4. I've Learned a Lot from My Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean have the showdown about Ezekiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The road was long and took so much time  
> But I've learned a lot from my mistakes  
> I've made some wrong turns that I'm not proud of  
> They made me who I am today  
> I just got a little lost along the way  
> \- Gary Allan

Cas still hadn’t given Sam an answer by the time they were pulling into Lebanon. They’d talked about other things, but Sam wasn’t going to push. When they came to a stop, Sam sat there, hands still on the wheel. “It’s not too late. We can still take off, go to Texas or wherever, forget all about Dean.”

“No, we couldn’t,” Cas said. “The first two, yes, but forgetting Dean would never happen.”

“Yeah. I know. Besides, I tried that once, and it’s right up there with Ruby in things I regret,” Sam said. “Let’s go.” He got out of the car, heading for the door.

“Sam, wait a minute,” Cas said, following him. He reached out and took Sam’s hand. “If you want to do this, then let’s do it.”

“Yeah?” Sam’s face lit up in a smile. “Sounds good to me – although, would you mind if we don’t tell Dean until after we’ve had the fight about Ezekiel and me running off?”

“That makes sense,” Castiel said. “I have no objection.”

Cas let go of Sam’s hand, and Sam headed inside. “Dean?”

“Sammy?” Dean came out, voice harsh. “Thought you weren’t coming back early.”

“Yeah, well, I brought someone with me,” Sam said. “If you try to make him leave again, then I’m going with him. Ezekiel’s gone, I’m alive, we owe Cas whatever protection we can give him and you know there’s nowhere safer for him.”

“Cas, you can stay, if Sammy’s okay,” Dean said. “Sam…”

“Dean, after what I’ve been through with Meg and Lucifer, I would rather have died than let another angel possess me,” Sam said. “Cas, _maybe_ , if there were some kind of emergency and that’s what it would take to solve it. But some angel we don’t know at all? That was a huge risk, and one I would not have wanted to take.”

“You were _dying_ , Sammy! If you were just gonna die anyway, then what was the point of you giving up the trial? I couldn’t let that happen,” Dean said.

Sam shook his head. “You didn’t do it for me. You did it for you, so that you wouldn’t have to live without me. I get it, Dean, I’d do just about anything to save you too. The one thing I wouldn’t do is force you to stay when you were ready to let go. And that’s what you did to me.”

“It worked out, didn’t it? You’re alive, Cas is fine, Ezekiel’s gone…”

“But what if it hadn’t? What if Ezekiel takes what he knows about us, everything he heard or saw or whatever in the months he’s been in me, and gives it to an angel who’s out to get us? We could get ourselves killed thinking we’re safe in our warded bunker, while Ezekiel gives the angels everything they need to get in here! Cas could die! _Kevin_ could die!”

“And that would be on me, yeah,” Dean said. “Cas said Ezekiel’s one of the good ones, though.”

“He is,” Cas said.

Sam squeezed his eyes closed, trying not to start shouting. Trying to maintain his calm. “And that’s great, until he trusts an old friend who isn’t one of the good ones. Someone who’s angry enough at Cas to do some terrible things. And don’t tell me that can’t happen, because it can. Angels get fooled too, especially when they’re vulnerable the way Ezekiel is.”

Dean’s brow wrinkled. “What’s wrong with Zeke?”

“He’s human. He’s with Daphne, and she’ll protect him,” Castiel said. “He gave me his grace.”

“Welcome back to angelhood, I guess?” Dean said. “Sam, you know I’ll never think I was wrong to save you. Looking after you… that has always been my job. I get that you wouldn’t have done the same for me.”

“Only in a case like this, Dean, you know I’ll go stupid or crazy or whatever it takes to save you if you want to be saved,” Sam said. “I’m not mad at you for saving me. I’m mad at you for doing it when you knew I wanted to go.”

“I didn’t know that, actually,” Dean said. “You were in that church, and you said a lot of things about not feeling you had any reason to live, but when it came down to it you chose me. You chose life. And then you were gonna die anyway.”

“I was literally sitting with Death, talking to him, asking him to make sure I stayed dead, when you…” Sam stopped. Ezekiel’s words came back to him: the feelings were Dean’s, but the words were Ezekiel’s. Dean was never in there. “Would it have mattered? If you’d known?”

“Of course it would’ve mattered!” Dean said. “Look, Sammy, I did something bad. I knew you wouldn’t want to be possessed, but I was desperate enough to let Ezekiel try to convince you anyway. I didn’t know he was gonna use me to convince you, I don’t even know what he said other than what you told me in your letter. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t what you would have done, but you’re never going to convince me that it was wrong to let Ezekiel try. If I’d known he’d trick you, maybe I wouldn’t have done it, but I don’t regret it.”

“Dean…”

“No, you listen to me. Lying to Cas, kicking him out without telling him that it was to save you, that was wrong, and Cas, I’m sorry for that. And if you die again, Sam, I’m gonna find you. If you’re in Heaven, then I will leave you there. If you’re in Hell, or Purgatory, I’m gonna do what I have to to get you out. But if you’re dying? Then I will do whatever it takes to save you. Tell me you wouldn’t do the same for me.”

“I…” Sam wanted to say he wouldn’t, that there were lines he wouldn’t cross just to save his brother. But he couldn’t do it. “You’re right, I would. But I mean it – if I tell you to let me die, then I need you to actually let me die. I would rather die than be possessed again. Dean, promise me. No more making decisions for me when you know what I want.”

“Fine. I promise. No more angels inside you with my permission.” Dean sounded like he meant it, but Sam was skeptical. Dean also seemed to be missing the point a little bit.

Well, Sam had a test. Passing didn’t prove anything, but if Dean failed, he was going back out, getting in that car, and heading for New Mexico. “This isn’t over, Dean, because I’m not sure you’re quite getting it. But it’s enough for now. Anyway, there’s something else you need to know about my road trip.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“I met someone out there, who I think will be really good for me. Someone who’ll help me be better than I am, make me feel like after everything I’ve done, I’m still worthy…” Sam cut off at the way Dean was grinning. “What?”

“Cas finally figured it out, huh?” Dean came forward and punched Cas’s shoulder. “About time, man, if turning human hadn’t worked to wake you up to it I’d have had to get involved, and I really don’t want to be involved. Sam, I know you’re my brother and I’m supposed to take your side, but you better appreciate what you’ve got there.”

“Huh. I… kind of expected you to be a little more…”

Dean’s grin dropped off. “What, you thought I’d be an ass about you hooking up with a guy?”

“No, I thought you’d be an ass about me hooking up with Cas because of the history between us,” Sam said. “The guy part is just going to get me teased for the rest of my life.”

“Come on, Sammy, I remember Connor from Stanford, not like Cas is the first guy you’ve ever gone out with,” Dean said. “And yeah, I know the history. I’m right in there, only person who’s hurt you worse than Cas has is me, so if you’re willing to take that chance, then I say go for it.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, reaching out to take Sam’s hand again. Sam laced his fingers through the angel’s, breathing a sigh of relief to have the family back together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm kind of letting Dean off the hook here a little, but there are a few extenuating circumstances. First off: Kevin's alive. Sam would've been pissed either way, but I really think that watching himself kill someone he considered family is what made it SO bad that it took Dean dying for Sam to admit he'd forgiven Dean. Then: Ezekiel tricked Dean, too. Dean had no idea how Ezekiel got consent from Sam until Sam told him in the letter. And since Dean was never actually in Sam's head, he was going off the last information he had: Sam gave up the Trials and chose to live.
> 
> He's still lying about not doing it if he'd known Sam was choosing to die, though. It's still Dean.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by Gary Allan's song of the same name. Oddly enough, from a misheard lyric that IMO makes more sense than the actual one anyway, but still.
> 
> Comments feed the writing part of my soul!


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